How to disagree (at camp or in the real world)

Let’s talk about Gaga.

Almost anywhere else in the world, you hear the word and you’re thinking Poker Face or A Star is Born (hopefully not Joker 2). But if your kid’s been to camp, you’ve heard about a very different kind of Gaga.

You know, that weird octagonal pit where kids slap a ball around and argue with the intensity of Supreme Court justices about whether someone’s out or not.

Your camper might come home passionately debating: “You can’t double touch!” “That hit me on my thigh, not below my knee!” “That hit Jared before…” (I just learned the K&E rules)

And Gaga is just the most visible battleground. Camp is full of potential disagreements – which song to sing at campfire, who gets which bunk, what activity to do next.

I’ve watched campers debate these things with the same intensity as nuclear missile treaties (or the even higher stakes of Kendrick vs. Drake, which they might actually be debating too).

Sound familiar? You’re probably navigating similar battles at home right now – Ritas vs. DQ, playground vs. beach, or pizza vs burgers for dinner. The kind of stuff making or breaking everyone’s night.

The point is: disagreements happen everywhere. But there’s a big difference.

While the rest of the world seems to be (definitely) getting worse at disagreeing productively, camp might be one of the few places where kids are actually getting better at it.

Think about it. Where else do kids:

• Live with new people they didn’t choose
• Solve problems without walking away or texting you
• Make group decisions multiple times a day
• Navigate differences without adults solving everything

We’ve accidentally created the perfect laboratory for practicing healthy disagreement. And the skills they develop at camp? They bring those home with them.

More Disagreement Than Ever?

I dunno if you’ve noticed, but the whole “disagree without becoming mortal enemies” thing? Society seems pretty terrible at it right now.

Social media algorithms reward “CrAzY eXtReMe” statements. News networks know outrage = ratings.

The result? A world where even super small disagreements can quickly turn nuclear. Mention favorite pizza toppings (Pineapple ftw, don’t @ me) or Star Wars sequels online, and watch how fast someone suggests you deserve jail time. And of course, don’t even consider climate change, tariffs, or anything remotely political.

Our kids are watching all of this. They’re taking notes.

Look, I’m not saying camp alone will fix all this (though literally when the world gets the craziest they go to CAMP David). But camp has something most places don’t: a microcosm where disagreement happens inside community.

The stakes feel real to your kids. Whether they get to play Capture the Flag vs. Kickball matters deeply to them in the moment. Who sits where at lunch feels hella important. Which song gets sung in the dining hall? That’s high-stakes stuff to a 12-year-old.

But unlike much of the outside world, these disagreements happen in a space where:

• They see each other’s humanity daily
• Walking away completely isn’t an option
• Adults model productive conflict resolution
• There’s a shared goal beyond “winning the argument.”

When kids don’t learn these skills at home, school, or camp, we get what we’re seeing everywhere: people who either avoid conflict entirely or turn every disagreement into an identity battle.

Neither works great for functioning families or workplaces.

When they DO learn these skills? Kids can hold their ground without trashing others. Listening without abandoning their own values. Understanding that disagreement doesn’t have to mean disconnection.

These aren’t just camp skills. They’re life skills that will serve them in every relationship they’ll ever have.

From Strangers to a Squad

One big difference with camp is that there is connection BEFORE conflict.

Kids start as strangers, but quickly build shared experiences that make disagreements easier to navigate:

• Paddling canoes together through rainstorms
• Sharing meals, passing food, and cleaning up
• Staying up late swapping stories about families, Marvel movies, and how many perogies they ate

Unlike social media or even school, by the time significant disagreements happen, campers have already built a foundation of shared experiences. They’ve seen each other at their best and worst.

The beauty? Kids don’t abandon their positions or preferences. They just learn that disagreement isn’t a battle to win, but a puzzle to solve together.

In this way, lived experience »> lectures.

Imagine if we could bottle this process and bring it home. (Good news: to some extent, we can!)

The HEAR Framework

Julia Minton, Harvard researcher on Conversational Receptiveness, talks about the HEAR framework.

The science shows that the best way to get someone to listen to you is to prove that you’re listening to them first. And these patterns are contagious. They spread through a community even when people aren’t formally taught them.

Super simple:

H – Hedge Soften your stance slightly. Not being wishy-washy, just opening the door to conversation. “I could be wrong, but…” “This is just my perspective, but…” “I’m still thinking this through, but…”

E – Emphasize Agreement Find the common ground first. There’s almost always a shared goal beneath the disagreement. “We both want to enjoy our weekend together…” “I know we all want to find a movie everyone will like…” “We’re all trying to figure out the fairest way to divide chores…”

A – Acknowledge Differences Name the actual disagreement respectfully. Be specific. “I see you want to go to the beach, while I was thinking the pool might work better because…” “I understand you’d prefer to stay up later than what I suggested…”

R – Reframe Toward Action Move from debate to solution. “What if we tried…” “Maybe there’s a way we could…” “Would you be open to…”

The goal isn’t the perfect execution of a formula. It’s reinforcing that relationships matter more than being right.

What Comes Home With Them

Beyond dirty laundry and friendship bracelets, I hope for your kids to come home a little more confident handling disagreements. Perhaps the best and most valuable part of the Hidden Curriculum.

Better listening before responding and more skill finding common ground

These tools travel beyond camp to dinner tables, classrooms, and eventually college and workplaces. In a world of echo chambers, they’re learning to engage across differences while maintaining relationships.

They’ll still be kids. They’ll still argue about screen time and chores. And they might even use these skills better with friends than family (that’s normal!).

But while they’re having fun and making memories, they’re also developing relationship tools that will serve them long after summer ends.

If that means mediating yet another (eyeroll) debate about Gaga rules… well, that’s a small price to pay for the lifelong skills they’re building.

You got this,

Jack

PS: I am on a mission to better understand K&E from your perspective. If you have a few minutes, I’d love to chat. Just reply, “Hey Jack let’s chat.”​
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Jack Schott

[email protected]
585-451-5141 (text me)
​Inspire Confident Kind Kids​

114 Eagle Pond Rd, Wilmot, NH 03287